I am going through a less-than-amicable divorce. Without going into details, in early 2022 I asked myself whether I wanted to continue my relationship. After visiting The Netherlands in May of 2022 and having two weeks to think it became painfully clear to me that indeed, whatever road I was on, was no the right one.
The decision was made. The information relayed to my spouse. Like most spouses, she did not take it well. My mind was filled with questions. Many of them still haven’t been answered. It was without a doubt the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make, and I hope I’ll never have to make another decision like this ever again. In a divorce, there’s simply no winners. It’s scary. It’s sad. There are tears. There’s shouting. There’s more tears. There’s hunders of unknowns. You have to tell a person you spent the past 12 years with that you’re discontinuing a relationship. You’re shattering the hopes and dreams of someone who many years ago you sworn eternal love to.
Now, I have not seen my daughter in 2 months. Visiting my daughter at school is not recommended by my attorneys. Showing up unannounced at her home is not recommended either. Nor is an announced visit. My ex-wife has made some rather spicy demands to finalize our divorce. The vibes are continuing to deteroriate,
But on the flipside I am re-discovering who I am, I am rediscovering my likes and dislikes, catching up on what I’ve missed out on. I’ve seen parts of Japan I otherwise would never have gone too. I’ve done things I’d have never done by myself. Or with others. I’m planning some trips abroad. I’m catching up with old friends. I’m making new friends.
I have an incredible support network. Friends who lend me a listening ear. Friends who’ve gone through similar situations and offer practical advice.
I at times feel guilty for enjoying my newfound freedom. But at the end of the day, I am much more capable of making sound and (in)sane decisions when I’m in a positive headspace.
Or at least, that’s how I attempt to rationalize my actions.
I miss my daughter. A lot.
I hope I can see her soon.